I know

I was driving and listening to Mix.fm, 80 km/hour on the road. Some old songs was playing, those 2003-2006 songs that I used to love to bits. It somehow stirred my emotions and my long frozen heart. Oh yes, one of the real reasons I quit blogging all these while was because I failed to really feel and gasp emotions, I was well… emotionless. If crap happens it happens, if shit occurs it occurs. I am sick of things but I refused to break down which leads to an easy solution; not giving a damn.

Back to main topic, yeah those stupid songs awakened me from my long absence. Which made me realized that people like me sometimes are afraid to feel emotions because they are still holding on to the past, old songs in my case reminded me of a lot of grieve. Grieve that only me as the bearer known off. Here I am writing shit that I myself am not sure that I would understand when I’m rereading it.

I know deep inside that I have to stop doing this to myself, as one of my best friend said; one day my depression will kill me if I don’t do something. Hell yes I know that and hell yes I want to stop feeling depressed but sometimes I don’t even know what I’m depressed about. Today dad gave me a new laptop, and I’m suppose to feel happy (any normal human would be happy I guess) instead I don’t feel anything. All I felt was.. well useless.

I had a conversation with this girl from work two days ago. She was telling me how exited she is about her new house and she was making plans to furnish it and I went like ok, now you got a place to fuck your boyfriend. I mean what the hell was that? Since when I became such an asshole. She gave me quite a stare and I didn’t even bother to say sorry.

I used to want so many things in life but now I am not sure I want those things anymore. I am reduced to just wanting to survive each day without breaking down and being in an emotional wreck. Today I went to a family gathering at my uncle’s place. Everyone was there, and then I saw my sick uncle with a patch on his right eye. Yes, his conditions had worsen and I knew he hasn’t got much time left yet I choose to just stay away and avoid him because I don’t want to feel hurt when he is gone. Yes, I’m selfish.

When my grandmother passed away, I didn’t shed any tears instead I took time to dress up and look good for her funeral. I told myself not to be sad or cry because I don’t want to feel that I had lost something. I hate that feeling.. loosing something. I had lost too many important things in life and I was always devastated when it happened. Yes, I’m being selfish by not wanting to feel.
Right now I’m staring at this post and I’m starting to see colors. Something exploded outside my house and my alarm was triggered. Time to stop.